The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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