i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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