i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize