I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
