just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
