dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
