i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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