Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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