Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
