Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
