apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
