Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
