i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
