i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize