I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
