Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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