Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We don't watch enough power rangers
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
