He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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