I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
she peed on how many people?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
