no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
