can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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