Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
