I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
