he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
