I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
