Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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