It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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