I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
