Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
