You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
