I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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