You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
