it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize