I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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