My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
