If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
