I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
