Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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