Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
