He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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