So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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