that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Enjoy the penises
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
