I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
