meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
