I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
