She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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