I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
