I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
