I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
