You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize