Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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