Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize