Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
