The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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