They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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