Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
